It's funny how you grow up being told how good you are at what you do, and whether you think you believe it or not at the time I guess it really sinks in. You know, I've been singing for as long as I can remember and I've always gotten by with just standing up and belting out a tune for someone to hear. I never had to throw in a little dance break to keep people's eyes on me or tell a joke before I began to sing so that they might be interested in what I was doing...I just stood up and started singing and people listened. They seemed to enjoy it too! haha
Well, I have officially learned something about myself after being here surrounded by talent. If you want to be an entertainer you can't just stand up and sing...you can't barely go through the motions in rehearsal and know that when the real performance comes you'll give it your all...you can't halfway perform it and expect people to be pleased just because you have a pretty voice...that doesn't cut it here. These guys want to see your "process". They want you to act out every single thing that you're singing almost to the point where if someone were deaf they still might have a clue what your song was about. This is not an unbelievably hard concept for me to understand, but what has gotten me is trying to take down my own walls of insecurity enough to be able to act these things out in front of my peers...in a rehearsal room with any where from 5-15 people...no applause or happy faces to build up your energy...just do it full out every time as if you're in front of thousands. (It's harder than it sounds, I promise!) I've just always been able to show up the day of a performance, walk through it and barely sing or move at all, and then give it everything I've got in the actual performance...
Well, I finally had my first break down during a rehearsal...It could have something to do with the fact that it's "that time" for me...I don't know. BUT there we were: Loren (vocal director), Eric (my singing partner), and myself in a studio rehearsing the opening number. Loren wanted more acting from me in my first song because it is the first time the audience will meet me and it needs to be great...makes sense right? Well, I bet we rehearsed the first 15 seconds 50 times before I finally cracked. He kept asking for more and I thought I was giving it everything, but apparently it wasn't enough...he kept pushing and pushing and the next thing I know my eyes are welling up with tears and I had to leave the room! Silly right? I know that now, but at the time it was just too much to take! :) After all the random thoughts running through my head like: "I shouldn't be here...this isn't what I thought it would be....maybe I'm not cut out for this kind of performing...why am I such an idiot?...why can't I just quit judging myself and do what he's asking??...ETC" I went back in there for him to tell me that I've created a block and I have to get over myself in order to push through and do this well. I can't sit there and tell myself that my animated acting looks stupid, but instead I have to go over the top and wait for him to tell me if it's too much or just enough...I heard and understood everything he was saying, but I guess it didn't really make me feel much better because I still felt like I was doing my very best...
So, I just did the only thing I knew to do...I started praying that night for answers...guidance...strength in myself...confidence...basically anything God could do to get me through it because Loren was just stressin me out! :) To show you how amazing God is sometimes...I just happened to get on facebook the next day for about 5 minutes when I saw the new Bible verse posted on my profile page:
2 Timothy 1:7 (Whole Chapter) For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
I mean, if that is not God trying to say "BE BOLD" then I don't know what is!!! So, after reading that my heart was lifted. We did a run of the entire show and Loren said I got the gold star!! He said I looked like a completely different person - so much that he almost teared up a couple of times because he was so proud of me for letting loose! And it wasn't just him that commented on it - my other cast-mates noticed the change as well!! THANK YOU LORD FOR ANSWERING ME IN MY TIME OF NEED!!!! :) (As usual!) Keep praying that I can let go of my insecurities and be bold in Him as I perform. That's all I have to talk about for tonight...I gotta go to bed! We start at 8:30 am tomorrow!!! YUCK!
His Eternally,
Kristian
3 comments:
Hey Squirt,
Hang in there you will be great. This is a good experience for you. You have never had to really push yourself like you will in the professional world. Amy always said it wasn't fair that you had it too easy in the Miss Alabama system and everything just came so natually to you. This will make you stronger as a person and an entertainer. Just keep God first and you will be fine. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there will be a pay-off when you get to the ship and start performing. Keep in touch.
Love,
Dad
Hey Kristian! It sounds like you are in the throws of rehearsals. Just enjoy yourself now with the time off! Things will pick up, especially when you get on the boat. It is about time that you are beginning to miss home a little. The great news is that the homesickness will come and go with your schedule. The busier you are, the less you'll miss home. But don't worry. Its natural to miss home and it hits you at odd times. Like, late at night right before you go to bed, or when somebody says something that reminds you of your family, or maybe you see something that reminds you of home. But don't worry. It passes. Your closeness to your buddies helps a lot. As you Dad says, hang in there! This experience is a once-in-a-lifetime experience, whether its 8 months or 8 years. It is a special time in your life. Soak up every moment, homesickness and all!
Love, Mrs. Stricklin
PS. God really does have a sense of humor, doesn't he?
Hey, again, Kristian. The first comment I left was really for the previous blog. It will make more sense if you keep that in mind. This comment is for "God Speaks..." I understand completely where you were and what happened in that rehearsal. I also understand the breakdown. I've been in your shoes and you did exactly the right thing to overcome the block. This is exactly where we were going in voice, but you never got there with classical music. I didn't want to break you and I'm glad I didn't. You would have never finished your degree. But this is something you want and you are willing to pay the price of overcoming your insecurities to be able to become the kind of actress/entertainer you need to be to be successful in this arena. The classical arena was not your love. This arena and other forms of pop music are. This is very good for you.
You did the best thing you could ever do by going to the Lord. After all, He understands your talent and He knows you better than anyone. He is the reason you broke through and yes, He was speaking boldly to you. I am so glad you listened. I am proud of you for responding the way you did. I am not surprised that this happened and I am glad that it did. I am so glad that you know yourself even better than you did before. This is truly a beautiful journey for you, one that God has ordained.
Hang in there and know that you are held in God's Hand.
Love, Mrs. Stricklin
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